Saturday, 9 November 2019

Late night thoughts

Hello hi there,

I'm writing this is english as I feel comfortable to do so.

Lately I've been active writing in english (second language) and Brunei (my mother tongue). I feel very much personal and open whenever I write in both language. Well I talk to myself in these two languages pretty much, it's the languages that I've been growing with.

That's how you actually know when I am being myself - using these two languages. Somehow, I use english more because I've been away for a very long time from my hometown. No one here really knows how to speak or understand Brunei. Kinda feel lonely.

Just now, I've been watching series of videos on YouTube about friendship etc. It reminds me about this one particular session during my Guardian Healthy Beauty Retreat. It's a session in which the participants need to list 10 person that we always met or talk with. Mine.. I only can get it until 3.

I was so stuck and brain dead to put a name on the next number (s).

You know what? First place, Balqis. Second, Fafa. Both of them are my bestfriends that I really glad to have them in my life in this stage. They never left me, they never judged. Third, si Menung. Menung is not actually a person, he is an orange cat that I always love to tease whenever I stumbled across him in the stairways. Such interesting cat and makes me happy even he just ignored me most of the time. Haha! But he acknowledged me btw!

Carry on..

Dr Siva. the one who conducted the session told a simple explanation. If the list are full of family, then family is the one who makes you happy in the current moment. If it's friends or strangers, they can be the reasons too for your happiness.

Yes. In my current state now, both of them are making me have a slight hope to live in happiness.

I am always contemplating about how to actually execute a suicide. How to do this, how effective it is, how efficient it can be and the list go on. I always think of taking my own life. I am to be honest, don't really have the urge to live.

Friends are making me happy but I couldn't depends on them every single time. I am sometimes afraid that I could be toxic with all the thoughts. Another reasons I stay away from everyone excepts two of them. Because I still need to talk with another person to keep in check whether I really am still alive? I don't know to be honest.

Most of the time, I was laying down staring at the ceiling blankly. Thinking why I am still alive. Why must I still awake. Why I just can't take my own life right now. RIGHT NOW!

Hmm..

But in a random time period, I was so active. I talk to myself that I can get rid of these negatives thinking and start being productive. It was so brief till I fall into a blank person. Sitting on the sofa staring on the empty wall.

Suddenly I will cry. As hard as it can. It hurts me right in the middle of my chest. I couldn't breathe. My eyes are blurry. My heart pumps so strong. I literally don't know why I lost control over my emotions, thinking or my body. It's hurting so much. It hurts. It gives me pain.

I want the pain to go. I really don't want to feel it repetitively in single day.

I really don't want to feel it. It makes me hurt even more.

Why I am still alive? Why I can't be just happy. I did try. Trust me. I did try to be happy. I did try to laugh. I did try to go out. Please just trust me. I really did my best to be happy. But I can't get a longer grip. I always fall back into the same thing all over again.

No one ever trust me.
They say I am overreacting.
They say I am spoiled.
They say I am seeking for attentions.
They say I am weak.
They say I don't pray.
They say I don't even try.

Why can't people believe me? Why must I feel all these pains. What I ever did to be in this place?

Why no one is proud to have me as theirs? Why must I was forgotten? Why must I am being treated as option? Why people can't love me? Why people even used me? Am I not worthy enough to be in someone's life?

I really want these pains to go. It really hurts. I can't breathe.

I really want to go. I want it to end.

Edited: (I continue again starting from this line, I feel like I just want to add something)

All these times, close persons that I thoughts that they're close were never really close. As soon as I am changing into this 'girl', they're just vanishing. Talking back behind me. Wonder what really happens. If they are really close to me, why they never contacted me?

Why must you talk behind me or asking from my friends?

You don't have to advice my best friends . They did it before anyone else does. But the most importantly they listen more than they talk more. They care about my happiness, my health and well beings.

Why must everyone trying to stick their noses on my best friends. You guys never cared me as they would. If yes, where were you? Why not you come directly to me? Why you need to ask my friend to advice me? Advice me for what? Advice me in what? Advice me like why? Why I need to take an advice?

Everyone just keep talking non stop. Talking too much.

They assume so much about me. They never asked me really what's going on. They never asked how happy I am. They never asked how healthy I am. They only asked why and what happened? Only to satisfy their curiosity.

They even say I can't be loud.
I shall conceal my emotions.
I am not allowed to be sad.
Life need to be private.

Then there you are wanted to know more about me.

Who I am really in this life?

Why people never really care?

I just want to feel like I am human.


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